Clarity

It's a qa-winky-dink. Chanel is listening to music as we both hangout in the kitchen. John Mayer came on and as I opened this post to compose it..."It just can't. It's not supposed to." Speaking of the manner of clarity.

Even though I keep saying it hasn't fully hit me yet because that is how I feel...I'm starting to find that my mind, I think (ha), may be preparing behind my back. In the back alley, down a ways and behind the creepy dumpster of my mind. Regardless of how I feel about leaving in two weeks, emotionally feel, consciously feel, I guess my brain is building its defenses for me. Maybe it knows that I'm not going to be fully ready until my butt is fully planted on an airplane seat over the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. I guess if there is any part of me that should be smarter and quicker-to-catch-on than the rest of me...that big, squishy organ would be it.

I spend (am spending) most of these days running errands and picking up things that Chanel and I will need. But I am just following a list. I'm not thinking for myself in a way. I am removed from the trip by a few steps. I read the list. I get what is on it. And the next day, I pick up where I left off. So everyday I am getting closer to the trip but realizing it no less.

But I have, with much increasing frequency, been finding myself...thoughtful. Full of thought. I tend to see the world through my head, so there is a natural amount of thoughtfulness but this is more than that. And I have been trying to recognize it. To name it. Is it fear? Anxiety? Excitement? Preparation for my gargantuan-mountainous alone time? I'll ask again, fear? I feel this turning inward. Like my mind is a sock, fresh from the dryer being turned inside of itself. I don't even know how many people do that to their socks but I do and so I hope it makes sense.

And I don't have an answer yet. Maybe more thinking is needed. Maybe more talking. Maybe I am not to discover the identity of this. Maybe just more time. I'll give it more time.