A few mornings ago I woke up and as I walked out of my room into the stunning morning light this house has, something was brought to my attention. That something was remarkable. A true gift. But its sentiment was more. What it made me feel and think, was more.
Recently, I went into Goodwill looking for a very specific item. It was shirt. I saw a version of it in a magazine. I drew out exactly how I wanted it so I'd know what to look for. I had the image in my head and on paper, very clear. And it was one of those very rare moments (for me, maybe for all) that I know exactly what I want and I go with the intention of attaining it..and there it is. Just waiting on the hanger. As if I had manifested what I desired. Not one thing different.
A rambling story, I know. But that excitement at the finding of perfection became as clear as my drawn image the other morning.
I can't type any words that will make anyone reading this feel what I feel when I think those same words to myself. It is such an overwhelming relief. It feels like salvation. When you need something or long for something. I guess I mean someone. And you know exactly how that someone should be. Their characteristics, their thoughts, words, perspectives, experiences, advice..the feeling the person has to them. And I don't just mean this in leading to very close or romantic relationships.
We need many things through our days, from a variety of people. Perhaps you need someone who will understand your tax situation. Or a boss who will understand some unpredictable (and legitimate) quality of your life. A supermarket attendee who knows exactly what you are looking for when no one else does. Or any sort of mentor who can understand any part of you. For me, I guess most times it is about finding someone who understands you. You can cut out many of the words. The unnecessary explaining and repetition. The uselessness in most cases.
Its not that I felt totally alone in the world or incomplete before the person. Nor was it that I felt crazy for believing those characteristics could be united. I guess..I just found a path around their existence in my brain while having the need and not the understanding. I told myself that one cannot expect to find perfection under a bow when it comes to people in this life. When it comes to much of anything really. There is no perfection. There is no flawless. There is what is present and what is not. And those things change. The two move through the rotating door of our beings with constancy. And who am I to say that something is perfect? The word came to seem..inhuman. And useless in itself. Because what could ever do the word justice? Why have a word that nothing can be?
I have found perfection. I have found it twice before. Each in very different contexts than the other. And maybe the perfection won't last. I do still believe each component that yields such found..I'll use "beauty" here. Such found beauty. Because, of all the things I could witness while here and how distancing and confusing the world can seem, connections like these are something I would call beautiful. Back to what I was saying. I do still know that each component that adds to the feeling of wholeness can and probably will change. As may my opinions of these traits even if they remain unchanged.
But for now, when I came across you, when I needed, you were perfect to me. You appeared when I had successfully convinced myself that you could not, that you would not. And I feel more alive, more on fire, knowing you exist. The "AH-HA! I knew it! I told myself so! Uh-huh uh-huh oOoOo!" dance that I can do now, gives me faith, unknowing and blind faith, that there is more perfection to be found. I just have to know there will be moments that send me back into my cave because I prefer the dark and the isolate to the colors outside that fully please no part of me.
Thank you. Endlessly, thank you. Your breath sustains me too.
"The essence of faith is the knowledge that all flows and that everything must change. The growing man is Man Alive, and his "philosophy" must grow, must flow, with him. . . . the man too fixed today, unfixed tomorrow - and his body of beliefs is nothing but a series of fixations.” -Thomas Wolfe
A rambling story, I know. But that excitement at the finding of perfection became as clear as my drawn image the other morning.
I can't type any words that will make anyone reading this feel what I feel when I think those same words to myself. It is such an overwhelming relief. It feels like salvation. When you need something or long for something. I guess I mean someone. And you know exactly how that someone should be. Their characteristics, their thoughts, words, perspectives, experiences, advice..the feeling the person has to them. And I don't just mean this in leading to very close or romantic relationships.
We need many things through our days, from a variety of people. Perhaps you need someone who will understand your tax situation. Or a boss who will understand some unpredictable (and legitimate) quality of your life. A supermarket attendee who knows exactly what you are looking for when no one else does. Or any sort of mentor who can understand any part of you. For me, I guess most times it is about finding someone who understands you. You can cut out many of the words. The unnecessary explaining and repetition. The uselessness in most cases.
Its not that I felt totally alone in the world or incomplete before the person. Nor was it that I felt crazy for believing those characteristics could be united. I guess..I just found a path around their existence in my brain while having the need and not the understanding. I told myself that one cannot expect to find perfection under a bow when it comes to people in this life. When it comes to much of anything really. There is no perfection. There is no flawless. There is what is present and what is not. And those things change. The two move through the rotating door of our beings with constancy. And who am I to say that something is perfect? The word came to seem..inhuman. And useless in itself. Because what could ever do the word justice? Why have a word that nothing can be?
I have found perfection. I have found it twice before. Each in very different contexts than the other. And maybe the perfection won't last. I do still believe each component that yields such found..I'll use "beauty" here. Such found beauty. Because, of all the things I could witness while here and how distancing and confusing the world can seem, connections like these are something I would call beautiful. Back to what I was saying. I do still know that each component that adds to the feeling of wholeness can and probably will change. As may my opinions of these traits even if they remain unchanged.
But for now, when I came across you, when I needed, you were perfect to me. You appeared when I had successfully convinced myself that you could not, that you would not. And I feel more alive, more on fire, knowing you exist. The "AH-HA! I knew it! I told myself so! Uh-huh uh-huh oOoOo!" dance that I can do now, gives me faith, unknowing and blind faith, that there is more perfection to be found. I just have to know there will be moments that send me back into my cave because I prefer the dark and the isolate to the colors outside that fully please no part of me.
Thank you. Endlessly, thank you. Your breath sustains me too.
"The essence of faith is the knowledge that all flows and that everything must change. The growing man is Man Alive, and his "philosophy" must grow, must flow, with him. . . . the man too fixed today, unfixed tomorrow - and his body of beliefs is nothing but a series of fixations.” -Thomas Wolfe
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